I’m sad to report that as of this Friday, John Travolta’s career will have officially passed away. Although Paramedic Tarantino was able to revive him briefly back in 1994, he finally succumbed to the pressures of making money in lieu of quality films while attending the premiere of his latest acting attempt, Wild Hogs.
Tagline: “Four guys from the suburbs hit the road… and the road hit back.” Who writes this crap? Instead, how about: “Four has-beens scam audiences… and the audiences weep for their lost $9.50.”
Some may argue that Travolta died to his fans years ago (Battlefield Earth, Mad City, Michael), but the nail in the coffin is no doubt going to be this latest hack at a buddy movie. When the preview is filled with canned hilarity like the ever funny “bird flies into rider’s face”, or “Oh no, watch out for that road sign! Boing!” it makes me long for the days of Bruce Willis holding up Johnnie’s career (Look Who’s Talking).
Looking back at his Filmography I came to a realization. Travolta’s best movies have been the ones where he dies. Amazing! Connection? Yes! So what’s been good from him in the last 15 years:
1994: Pulp Fiction. Willis + Silenced machine gun + Travolta = Great Travolta film
1996: Broken Arrow. Slater + Nuke + Travolta = Great Travolta film
[Now this next one is borderline, but I needed a third film to complete the Trifecta]
2001: Swordfish. Jackman + Shoulder rocket + Travolta look-alike = Great Travolta film
The formula is simple. I’ll demonstrate:
Year: Title. [Insert Anti-Travolta actor] + [Awesome weaponery] + Travolta = Great Travolta Film
I’m a generous guy, so I’m going to try to help save Wild Hogs because they still have 2 more days to recut it. Here’s the secret to success with this movie. Go back and cut out the last scene that unmistakably consists of Tim Allen walking into a lamp post and Martin Lawrence saying, “Ooh. That’s gonna leave a mark.” to this:
2007: Wild Hogs. Macy + Flame Thrower + Travolta = Great Travolta Film
Touchstone, please send my cut of the huge, blockbuster profits that you’ll now make to me. Sweet.