Coldplay, modest as ever, is heading back to the studio after a two year break of touring to record a new album. The band plans to give it a different sound from their previous album, “X&Y”, which was released in 2005 and has sold over 2 million copies since. So how does a humble band frontman like Coldplay’s Chris Martin describe this new, yet to be recorded album?:

“In order for us to get excited about a new album, we have to have one song that we feel like everybody has to hear … before we die, otherwise we’ll be terribly depressed,” Chris Martin said. “So luckily with this new record we’re going to make, we have that one song… I can’t tell you about it, but it’s basically genius.”

Wow. Where to start? The fact that they only feel the need to have one song that’s good to make an album and sell it to you for $15. That seems fair. Take 2 years off, then come up with 1 good song, plug in 14 more filler fluff, stamp your name on it, and then watch the dollars (or pounds, A’lo Guv’nor!) roll in. Awesome. Well thanks for the heads up that I should just by the one song online and leave the rest to rot.

Next, who exactly is going to be depressed if we don’t hear this song? Is Chris Martin saying that his band will be depressed or that we the audience will be depressed? Normally I’d guess the “we” was them, but he did say “everybody” which tends to include, well, everybody. Now I’m not a psychiatrist, but I would have to say that despite not having yet heard their new song I am not depressed. So it must be them. Coldplay must be concerned that if people don’t listen to their music the band is going to end up depressed. Now I don’t want to see anyone getting depressed. So if this is any issue of money I’m thinking maybe I could just send a donation. I’ll send 1 dollar (not really quite a pound these days) to:

Chris “Genius” Martin
1 Ivory Tower
England

Maybe if you do the same we can save him and his band from the dark pit of despair.

Then there is his final comment, “it’s basically genius”. Genius, huh? Like Theory of Relativity, genius? Maybe more like the Fathers of the Constitution genius. Nah, he probably means genius more like: create a show about a bookstore that stars a busty woman, like Pam Anderson, and then call it “Stacked” (see what they did there, with the double entendre??). Yeah, I’m thinking he means that kind of “genius”.

What an insightful journey through the mind of Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If only he had given some sort of irrelevant view on the American political scene. Wait, what? He did? Fantastic.

“I think we’re all excited, everyone in the world is excited about the American elections next year,” he said. “Sometimes it’s easy to give up all hope.”

Giving up hope? Depressed about people not listening to his “genius” one song? Wow, things aren’t looking good for this guy. Maybe I should make it 2 dollars.