Everyone can finally relax. Britney and K-Fed have worked things out after a lengthy 5 hour divorce settlement meeting. They were able to sign a “global settlement on all issues of their marriage”. I keep picturing Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn just as they were in Wedding Crashers encouraging and helping Britney and Kevin through their divorce. Britney would yell, “Hey y’all! I want my stuff,” and then Owen would smile and say, “Come on Britney, we can get through this.” Then she’d smile back real big and you’d see the wad of gum sticking out between her teeth. Then Britney would scratch her stubbly little hairdo and say, “Aww-right, yeah, oh-kuh”. I didn’t really picture K-Fed saying anything because he’d be too stoned.

Michael Sands, the spokesman for Team-Fed, wouldn’t elaborate on the terms of the settlement. He would only reveal that it covered child custody of their two sons, 6-month-old Jayden James and 18-month-old Sean Preston, and financial matters. They’ll probably have to go back for another 5 hours just to settle how to split up their cartons of Parliaments.