Oh Britney, yesterday you amused me with your wig, but today you saddened me with your, well, everything. That would even include going topless and trying to play sexy with some flowers. You’re still wearing a wig and some fedora that you probably lifted out of your bum ex-husband’s closet. Some might call that the “total package”, some might recommend another month in rehab.

Pretty much everything you’re doing these days is wrong. Could I perhaps suggest finding an island, going there for the next 2 to 3 years, and then, when this past year has totally blown over you can come back. At least for a trial period, then we can talk about working out something more permanent, but I’m not making any promises.