Transformers
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Jon Voight
Director: Michael Bay
Genre: Action/Adventure, Science Fiction/Fantasy and Adaptation
Duration: 2hr 20mins
Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor and language.
Plot: The Earth is caught in the middle of an intergalactic war between two races of robots, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, which are able to change into a variety of objects, including cars, trucks, planes and other technological creations.

My review: Go back and read that plot above. Now forget it. See kids, now everyone can pretend to be director Michael Bay. Some how Transformers manages to put off being a story of an “intergalactic war between two races of robots,” for all but the last 20-30 minutes of the movie. What proceeds that delayed arrival of nearly all robot confrontations is a roughly two hour commercial for GM and its family of automakers. The centered GMC logo on the front of nearly every vehicle gets more screen time than Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. Then there’s the Chevy emblem on Bumblebee that gets included in every scene. Oh, and don’t forget the Autobot that lands on top of the Cadillac building and then the camera pans over to the on-display Pontiac Solstice with the rotating words pausing just perfectly for the audience to take it all in.

Automakers weren’t the only offenders as there was Microsoft’s XBOX 360 which comes to life as a robot, or the Mountain Dew vending machine that breathes life. Oh yes, and Nokia, which we’re informed comes from Sweden, not Japan, as it is perfectly opened and displayed for us. But I did learn that if I want to buy anything or learn like intergalactic robots (seriously, Optimus Prime claims eBay as its source of knowledge) all I need to do is go to eBay, eBay, EBAY! How dare you sell me a $10 ticket to see what should have been a great movie and then bait and switch me with a glorified commercial. That really, really pisses me off and you, Michael Bay, should be ashamed of your eagerness to sell out.

The whole story misses its chance to present a robot war. An opening scene of a Decepticon attacking a military base is exciting and intense, full of promise for more action ahead. Jump from there to a nearby scene of Bumblebee fighting with Barricade and you can then put away the robot war for about an hour and a half. Instead we’re treated to a story of Sam, Shia LaBeouf, as he awkwardly fumbles his way through dangerous situations all the while trying to impress the girl, Megan Fox. Both young actors do a commendable job in their roles and should be praised for how well they carry this movie in lieu of any robots. An underutilized Josh Duhamel proves to be one of the best characters in the movie, but his motivation is difficult to follow. In a scene where he first crosses paths with LaBeouf he’s quick to pull out his pistol and put it to the chest of another officer to support the kid’s request for his car to be returned. It makes no sense at all and shouldn’t have been there. Both John Turturro and Jon Voight provide ample support, but their weak characters add little to the story other than a chance for Bumblebee to pee on Turturro who has been stripped to his underwear.

Throwing all those disappointments aside, once the robot battle final begins (at the very end) it is an extremely exciting and fun sequence. There are tons of explosions and flying debris as Autobots and Decepticons duke it out in the city streets. Once it really gets going it’s a little tough to tell which are good robots and which are the bad ones, but it doesn’t really matter. Everything is getting blown up and it’s entertaining. Had the movie bothered to embrace the robot battle as much as Sam’s desire to get the girl this could have been a great movie from start to finish. Months ago a well-informed Transformer fan friend of mine pointed out his concern regarding so many humans in the story. If you look back at the Transformers cartoon there are barely any people because it was about AN INTERGALACTIC ROBOT WAR. Even the Transformers’ tag line, “more than meets the eye,” is stolen from the robots and applied to humans instead.

I can’t possibly recommend this movie to you. If you’re looking for quality, commercial limited, action movie goodness then check out Live Free or Die Hard. Parents shouldn’t be too concerned, although there is more cursing in this than Die Hard (the potty mouth is supplied by Decepticons for some reason) and then there’s the mother-father-son discussion of masturbation for all to enjoy. Transformers was a complete let down for me and as I sat there checking my watch every 15 minutes I thought of all the things I could be doing instead. So please, save yourselves $10 and 2.5 hours of your life, and if you really want to watch some Transformers action, go rent the old cartoon movie.

My rating: 2/5 stars
High point: The overly delayed fight scenes
Low point: One long paid GM commercial

Transformers - Movie Trailer:

Check out the rest of our Movie Reviews.

Feed Readers: click here to view the video