Listen my children, and I will tell you why it is dangerous to aimlessly surf the Internet. I’m not talking about dirty pictures or chat rooms with stalkers. Stay away from those like your parents have taught you. No, there are other dangers lurking that can burn out precious brain cells you’ll need later in life. Dangers like stumbling upon the show replay of MTV’s newest “reality” ripoff, “Rock The Cradle”. This is the latest of many American Idol wannabe shows like “So you Think You’re a Star”, “Making the Band”, “The Next Great American Band”, “Nashville Star”, yada, yada, yada. The twist with this show is that the contestants are the offspring of aging “celebrity” singers who were on MTV back when it played music videos.

If you’re a singing / talent-show addict, you may get sucked in by “Rock The Cradle”. There isn’t a 12-step program for this particular addiction, so use extreme caution! Sneaky MTV has slotted the live airings of the show on Thursday nights, after “American Idol” and “Dancing With the Stars” are over for the week (except for this week’s three-night Idolathon which includes “Idol Gives Back”).

The “MEGA PREMIERE” of “Rock The Cradle” was this past Thursday, and the episodes are repeated on MTV’s website (where I aimlessly surfed into the danger). The kids are competing for $100,000 and a record deal. Judges’ scores and America’s votes determine who gets eliminated; the contestant with the highest judges’ score each week has immunity. TV replays of episodes are in HEAVY rotation on MTV.

The contestants and star parents are: Lucy Walsh, daughter of Eagle Joe Walsh; Landon Brown, son of Bobby Brown (pre-Whitney); Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of Olivia Newton John; Jesse Blaze Snider; son of Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider; Jesse Money, daughter of Eddie Money; Lil’ B Sure!, son of Al B Sure! the fairly obscure R&B singer; Lara Johnston, daughter of Doobie Brother Tom Johnston; A’Keiba Burrell-Hammer, daughter of MC Hammer; and Crosby Loggins, son of Kenny Loggins.

The four judges are: Singer Belinda Carlisle (The Go-Go’s, a short solo career, now completely tone-deaf), Choreographer Jamie King (Prince, Ricky Martin, Madonna, Britney, J-Lo & more), Stylist June Ambrose (responsible for Mariah Carey’s heinous outfits) and Business Mogul Larry Rudolph (quit Britney when she went nuts and is now in an on-again, off-again loop). The show is hosted by Ryan Devlin, a totally forgettable TV actor I have already forgotten; surely picked because his name is Ryan.

Ohhhhkay. Here’s the biggest problem with this one. Most of these kids wouldn’t even get PAULA’S vote to go to Hollywood. Upside for the kids: most of ‘em already live there!

It’s all a little sad, really. On Thursday, Lucy Walsh was the least worst, and won immunity dedicating Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter” to her dad. The ass didn’t bother attending. Jesse Blaze Snider and Crosby Loggins stayed comparatively on-key versus the rest of the cast. Jesse, the resident hottie, was basically shirtless and did a backflip. Crosby looks just like his dad Kenny, and is the frozen, polar opposite of turbo-charged Jesse. Eddie Money is a worse stage-daddy than “American Idol” ’s Jeff Archuletta, and gets way more face time. You’d NEVER guess Landon Brown was cracked-out Bobby’s son. Bobby wasn’t around for him growing up, and consequently Landon has more class. Sadly, the poor boy still wants to please the “star” daddy he never had. A’Keiba Hammer suffered through the bankruptcy MC reenacts in his “Life Comes at You Fast” Nationwide Insurance ad. Lil’ B Sure! is saddled with a name containing “Lil” and an exclamation point. Lara Johnston is the “normal” one; she didn’t grow up being chased by paparazzi or having super-druggie, absentee parents.

The saddest of all, however, is Chloe Lattanzi. She grew up “alone in big houses”, struggled with anorexia, and supposedly performed solo for the first time ever on Thursday. Unless Chloe’s dad has Steven Tyler lips, she’s been up in the Restylane big-time. The huge trout pout and the freaky, deep, Russian-like accent she “sings” with are VERY unfortunate. I thought at first she’d been raised in the Ukraine! Now I just think she wants to be Fiona Apple. Trust me. Chloe is no Fiona. She pulled a “Saw 2″ on INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart” that made Michael Hutchence SO glad he is dead. Chloe had trouble with her ear monitors. It doesn’t matter.

Predictably, all the kids THINK they’re the bomb, one that is loaded with talent! If this were actually true, their parents would have already muscled record deals for them. After each one performed, the host quizzed the ‘rents in the audience about how they thought their kid did. Uh, what are they gonna say? “You really sucked hard”? Naw.
But I’ll say it. Most of them did. If you’re really, really bored on Thursdays, consider taking up Sudoku. Or, just have your friends take target practice at your head.

This public service announcement was sponsored by “Writers Telling on Fug”. WTF is a non-profit organization.

SirLinksALot: Rock the Cradle