Okay, y’all, I have been biting my tongue for too long about the heinous “fashion” project that is “Heidiwood”. For ye who are blissfully unaware, Heidi Montag tried to hop on the clothing design train that Lauren Conrad drove out of the station months ago. To wit: LC designed a collection that premiered during LA’s fashion week. LC’s show was invitation only, as all real fashion premiers are.

Heidi’s tryer is always trying to keep her horseface in the media, so she decided to foist the “clothing collection” that is “Heidiwood” on an unsuspecting public. Heidi’s show this week was open to any and every person she and sidedouche Spencer Pratt could muscle in off of the street. LC’s collection isn’t anything earthshaking, but it’s realistic and wearable. “Heidiwood”- not so much. Think jailbird striped hotpants, crop-tops, hooker heels and other shizz I had to stop looking at that all retail under $50. It is some shiny, fugly, skanky gunk.

LA’s famed Kitson stores somehow thought it was a good idea to carry the “Heidiwood” line. Okay, these are the same people who brought us the fab “Trucker Hat” trend a few years ago, along with the “Team Aniston, Team Paris, Team Jolie, Team Britney, Team WTF” yada, yada, yada shirts. Some terribly creative minds, those Kitson kids. Spencer put the horsey-heidi voodo hex on them along with the random tourists who were trapped into the circus.

Look at this picture, people. What the FUG is on Heidi’s feet, (and body)? Why has Child Protective Services not intervened on behalf of these adorable yet sorely misled little girls? WHERE HAVE ALL THE PARENTS GONE? Pictures live forever on the Interwebs. These precious ones have been marked by the beast, and will probably be flamed on their MySpaces forever.

Finally, I hate typing the word “Heidiwood”. It sounds like something dirty Spencer made up to describe waking up with Heidi. I just can’t decide if it’s worse than Kimora Lee Simmons’ “Fabulosity” for JC Penney. I think I’ll take a shower now.

Scary Update: “The Cut” was brave enough to go out and test drive some of Montag’s Heidiwood collection. Safe to say, they weren’t impressed:

It was bad. So bad. To Montag’s credit, she trumpets Heidiwood’s prices of $10 to $60 for any given item… Everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks?