Holy Xenu, set the Tivo. Tom Cruise is coming back to break Oprah’s couch again this May. Big O better switch that baby out with something from Rent-A-Center fast! Cuz you KNOW Oprah don’t sit on no faux.

Tom is going to burn our eyes out with a 2-part special: one part on the couch, in front of Oprah’s kool-aid drinkers; and a second installment shot at Tom’s Telluride mountain prison, er- mansion. Hide the E-meters already, Katie! And where’s my Travolta? Get him back in the closet RIGHT NOW!

Tom’s royal appearances will be in honor of the 25th Anniversary of “Risky Business”. For real. Please, please, keep your pants on, Tommy. You wear “sans-a-belt slacks” now. Guys wearing those are gonna look like my plumber in his tighty-whiteys. No thanks, really. No, please, really, it’s okay. NOOOO!!! Oprah is gunnin’ for some big May sweeps numbers, so she’s bringing back what sells- straight up crazy!

Tommy’s clones Katie and Suri will surely give the fembot and totbot tour of the prison for Oprah’s masses. “Here’s where we audit, here’s where we keep David Miscavige, here’s Tom’s wing, here’s Katie’s wing, here’s where we get jiggy with Will and Jada, here’s our frozen supply of L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm…”.

It’s almost turkey-baster time again! Suri wants a playmate. Don’t forget, though, Katie’s a marathon runner! Girlfriend will wear Tommy OUT before he catches HER again… and SHE won’t be running in heels!